Just ME..!

My job interview didn't go so well. I had one for the position of Dental Receptionist/Assisant and I went to an agency interview then the company interview and apparently I didn't answer the questions effectively enough. How am I meant to answer the question asking why do I want to work in the dental field? Who would want to work in the dental field and what would be a successful answer for someone who is just looking to be the receptionist?? I just don't get it. Meh. NEXT!

So I'm back on SEEK, looking for new jobs and work. Wish me luck! ><.

Work.. Work .. Work.. Work

Today.. I didn't do much. Mathew stayed over my place last night and I didn't get much sleep because I went to sleep late and had to wake up early.. then when I tried sleeping in the day time before I had to get ready for work, he just kept tickling me so I couldn't get much more sleep. But it's all good. =] It's not his fault he couldn't fall asleep. lol I can't wait to go home tonight and jump into bed and sleep in tomorrow.. aaah.

I have so much uni work to catch up on.. I really have to stop wasting time on facebook and going out, coming home and watching tv then being too tired to study. Gosh I'm a procrastinator. NO MORE!

I'm a bit frustrated.. I think a lot of things are just getting to me. All these little things are building up and I'm just mad. Argh.

That's All.

I came to work late today once again. I was late last week two days in a row by over an hour on one of the days. I was late this morning because I stayed at Mathew's place and then I didn't want to leave so I just stayed with him.. and that made me late by half an hour. er. I'm a fool. Also I was driving through a tunnel and I scraped the side of my car ... =/ what is wrong with me? I think I'm incapable of driving at all when faced with lack of sleep. But I did check the car when I got to work and there was just a little something on the bumper cracked but my bumper is already screwed so it's all good. =] It's not really all good, but it is impossible to find a Ford Mondeo's bumper that would be intact from a yard. And there is no way I'm going to get a new one. Anyway all is well..

<<< This is Mathew and I. He doesn't like the photo.. he reckons he doesn't look good in it but I think to the contrary. It looks fine. He has a really good camera on his phone.

<< I also like this photo of him. Yeep.

Anyway I look like some stalker. But I'm not. Everything is really good. I've never known anyone to be so caring and nice. Maybe it's all too good to be true? Or maybe I was so used to being treated like crap.. Either way, I'm happy where I am now and how everything is, how I've always wanted a relationship to be. The hugs and everything.  I've been over to his place like 3 days in a row and I'd go again today if I could lol.. but I should really stay home for once, plus my car is sucking up all the petrol like crazy.

I have orientation today for uni, which means I've leaving work early. I also need to go and buy the damn expensive textbooks.. I don't feel like buying second hand ones.. maybe I'll keep all my text books till I'm old and be able to always look back on what I've learnt or experienced during that time... or I'll sell them.

I'm looking forward to the Easter Show, only because I want to go on that Sling Shot ride and no one is stopping me.. except maybe if I can't find someone to go on there with me. hmm.

(Facebook is not replacing you) Just because I can write on here without having to worry about what I'm writing because so many people can go through and read it.. actually they'll get notified about my new post. I like to write personal stuff and that would be annoying. People can still go through my facebook info to find this but I doubt they do.

I can't wait until uni starts, just because it means that I won't be bored at home cleaning the whole house every single day. And it will hopefully keep me at home longer or uni, whichever as long as I don't go out spending money like I am now on anything.

I was meant to meet up with an old friend yesterday but.. she never called me, I don't know what was going on. How unreliable does that make her? She wants me to come out with her on Saturday though.. I don't think I will, I'm completely broke. I just realised that my pay for this week needs to last my petrol for uni next week. =/

HAPPY VALENTINE'S EVERYONE!

I bought the book 'he's just not that into you' and I'm asking, why the hell didn't this movie come out sooner? So that I could have bought the book sooner and known all this sooner! Just a few months sooner, a year sooner even two years sooner!! Maybe then I wouldn't have been so stubborn and naive about being stuck in an unhappy relationship and I wouldn't have had to talk to every single person I could find about my problems and what to do about them to end up not listening to a thing they were saying in the end anyway. ARGH! Why couldn't I have been the one to say 'it's enough', or to at least stick to saying 'I've had enough'. Why did I have to be so stupid, was I even in love this whole time? or was I just too attached and helpless? I know that I did love him but for how long did I love him for? Could I ever feel that way again? I just know that I'm not getting into that situation ever again! If you don't like the way I am, who I am or what I do then you're better off leaving me alone.. I'm happier that way. I hate being told what to do for one thing.

Anyway, I slipped and fell yesterday in the rain on my friend's front door step and now I have a massive bruise on the back of thigh. It hurts that I find it hard to lay on the one side. I found it pretty funny at the time though, so did my friend. lol

I'm going out for dinner tonight at that Italian Restaurant in Castle Hill, then after that Mathew and I might watch a movie or just go to his place instead. I'm really tired again today and I also woke up late for work once again, two days in a row! Not a good look. =/ I need sleep. Last night I had another mysterious private number call me.. second time this week, the other one was on Tuesday night I think. But it's just frustrating because the person doesn't say anything so I talk then I have to hang up on then. Who does that anymore? If you have something to say then just fucken say it!
I have a feeling it's him but I don't want to know anything about him, if it is you.. please fuck off nicely.

uuuum. I think that's about all for today.. I was going to buy Mathew this perfume that I really really like but maybe it's just too much for a new relationship.. lol so I bought him this t-shirt! I don't think he is going to buy me anything.. he is paying for the dinner and everything, but I can't help wondering if he will buy me a rose or not. hm. I'm only starting to get to know him so I'm not sure if he is like that. We'll see.

Also, go to Cotton On Body, they have really nice panties! I love them 3 for $25.. they are soo comfortable.. I need to buy more. Goodbye BNT panties, Hello Cotton On! =P

A lot has been happening lately. I've been seeing Mathew quite frequently. =D I even met his mum and his sisters. Except I still haven't met one of his sisters.. but I've met two of them and there is three. I haven't met his dad yet either but that's because he doesn't live with his dad. I also stayed over his place last night and the night before. He had a car incident the other day so he wasn't able to go into work for the last two days so I've been spending time with him. It's all good.. but I don't know why I'm so damn tired. =[ We are going out for Valentine's day this Saturday for dinner at this Italian Pizza Restaurant in Caste Hill.. and hopefully I can introduce him to my parents when he comes to pick me up.. but I think my parents are not happy with me for not being home lately. er. I'm also planning on buying him this perfume that I really love from Myer tomorrow for Valentine's but dammit I forgot the name of it but I know what it looks like. =] and I'm sure I know the smell. Except I'm not telling him I'm buying him anything because he said he doesn't want anything so he thinks I'm not getting him anything. lol And I know he isn't getting me anything but he is paying for the dinner and the movies. But that's fine with me.. I'd really like it if he got me a rose hahaa but I don't know if he is like that. We will see.

So Tomorrow before work I'm going shopping with Samantha at Parra to buy the perfume and something to wear on Saturday because I am so sick of my clothes and also because I am able to spend money this week after last week which all of my pay went on fixing my car. Which is now fixed! =D finally. Except I want to get new speakers and a new cd player and Mathew will install it for me. I won't be getting that soon though. About the tatt... Mathew's friend will be doing that for me.. ! I'm scared and still don't know what I want it to say on there either hm.. respect? conquer? love? mind? emotion? discovery? all these words mean something to me. there's too many. hhm.

So I'm awake at 2am and finding it hard to even feel like going to sleep. Maybe because I've been sleeping all day that makes it impossible for it to happen now. Anyway I have good news. Mathew and I are officially together as of last night. I'm really happy but I just don't know if it's too soon. I guess that it wouldn't be much different from it happening now or happening in a few months time.. because I see him whenever he comes down from his area. It's like we are together anyway. He is a really good guy, he is caring and honest and very cute. I wanted to get a tattoo before but seeing his ones all the time makes me want one even more lol. Besides the fact that I keep telling him tattoos are bad!

Tomorrow I plan to clean and then afterwards spend the day shopping and I decided I'm going to go to the hairdressers. I haven't been in a while and I think my hair is long overdue. BUT I barely have any money, I need to get my car fixed next week.. which I'll have money for but I need money for all these other things and I don't know if I'll have enough.. I need to start saving for my laptop as well soon.. very soon .. after next week! or next week.

Wednesday I have this academic advising day at uni. I need to ask about what to do with the electives I've completed and just ask what their perspective is on uws "not good enough" judgement from employers. Also call up qualified psychologists for advice.. hm.

Then Thursday I have work. Friday I have work again. Then I might go out, not too sure. Saturday I need to take my mum to Fairfield, then I have work in the afternoon. Sunday I probably have the day off so I'll bludge around.

Hello Everyone!.. or just my online journal!

I am so damn tired. And I just walked past my manager and he had his shirt of. What The Fuck? Ew.

Anyway. I'm at work and then after work I plan to go to Coogee Beach. =D. Then tonight I'm seeing Mathew and we are going to Ettamogah Pub.. I think that's the name of it, it's apparently not very far from Fiddler. And yes we are talking again. We aren't in a relationship or anything like that, we are just friends but I know that he likes me and I like him too. But I also know that if we get into anything too fast that it won't work out because I just got out of a relationship but at least he is willing to wait. It's just a bit weird on the guy factor at the moment because I'm starting to talk to old guy friends again and it's nice but they all seem to want a relationship out of me and I'm not joking about that. Or if I meet new guys they seem to be interested in a relationship as well and I don't even know them yet! It's getting to be a bit annoying because I'm not out there looking for a relationship because I'm interested in Mathew. Even though I am single now, it's not going to stay that way because I like relationships. One of my friend's mates is a good example about guys wanting a relationship, he was full saying stuff to me about wanting a decent girl and me being the girl. He wanted my number but I didn't give it to him and all that. He was actually trying to convince me that he is decent which means that he hasn't been in the past or that he has something to hide. What I like about Mathew is that he doesn't care about my past.. maybe it's because he doesn't want to tell me his, nevertheless it's better kept to ourselves.. I think so anyway. It looks like I'm hiding stuff aye? But I told him I cheated on my ex.. I just didn't give him all the details, why would I? He doesn't mind because it's in the past and I don't feel like having to explain myself all over again to someone else.
And I've been having arguments with my friend over seeing Mathew because of her mum having a go at me about it and all this stuff.. I don't really want to go into detail about it but I decided that I'll just avoid my friend's brother (Mathew's best mate) and her mum and especially if Mathew is over their place. I know that just sounds stupid but I don't like people telling me what I should or should not do.. it's funny they say that it's our or my business but then they butt in anyway. I just couldn't understand that part. Especially because I'm so used to keeping everything to myself and only telling people if I feel I need to or if there are problems that I need help with otherwise I don't like everyone knowing everything.. get my drift? If everyone knew then they'd all have something to talk to each about regarding me. I mean, they can say what they want to themselves or each other just don't bother me about it. I don't know maybe I just don't understand the way their family works. It's no big deal!

So this is my future tattoo as posted on FB. I've wanted to get a Chinese character on my the back of my neck for a while now...I just need to figure out what word I want and where I want to get it done. And make sure that I won't regret it later on.. hm. My parents might go off at me as well so I'll just warn them before I get it done =D. Everyone has tattoos on their stomach, arms and all that but I want it on my neck because you can hide it, it's small and it won't make you look bad during a job interview because it's at the back of your neck. I was never a stomach or on my lower back tattoo person.. getting my belly pierced even was a mistake, now its just some stupid hole thing that is closed up inside. Pointless. Yeah I want this tattoo! If anyone knows someone who has on like this or anything let me know! Also if there are any good places to get it done at because I have no idea about that kind of stuff.. and the words I've come up with so far are: RESPECT, MIND, MENTALITY, REASON. I can't be bothered explaining them but I'm pretty sure you could guess why I'd want them.

My week has been pretty boring. I need to get the last thing fixed on my car which is this steering timing clock which is located on the steering wheel. And it will fix my problem of the SRS Airbag and also the horn not working. =] But it costs me about $300 all up. I've decided to get it done at the NRMA in Seven Hills but I'll need to go there on Monday to talk to them in person and plan a time when I can get it done. I was going to get the air conditioning re-gased because it's not cold enough but I used it yesterday to go to work and it worked pretty good actually so I changed my mind about that. I'm waiting for a friend to wax my car as well.. he said he'd do it for free for me and he has the machine so I'm happy =]. Yep. That's pretty much it about my car, although I have to save for my insurance and everything for at the end of this year so I can pay it all.. I'm not looking forward to all that.

That's about it for now.

I had a wake up call last night.

I went to Samantha's to return her hand bag which I had borrowed when we went to the city.. and she ended up meeting up with Brenton (who she is seeing) and I ended up staying to talk to her brother's girlfriend, Jasmine. So we were talking about her relationship and then mine non-existent complicated relationships with my ex and Mathew, when you wouldn't believe you drives into the driveway.. it's him.. it was Mathew. And like a chicken that I was I ran inside so he wouldn't see me and then spent the next 20 minutes in Jasmine's room thinking about what to do.. so we went for a drive and bought smokes. This is pretty stupid of me since I had thrown out the pack of smokes that I had when I received my offer for the psychology degree.. (psst. I got into the bach. of psych! woo). anyway yeh that's how excited I was that I ran to the bin and threw them out. I think I am a little addicted since I was in a bad mood for the whole day that I didn't smoke. meh. Anyway so when me and Jasmine got back to the house.. he was outside with everyone. He saw me and didn't say a word to me.. he even said bye twice to Dez.. which is Jeremy's gf.. I think it was just to rub it in on me. but anyway I just felt even more confused because I realised that I did really like him. To top that off Samantha's mum had a go at me about me hurting Mathew and all this shit. I didn't say much, I just let her say what she wanted to say to me. Explaining that he is part of her family and all this stuff.. that he is a nice guy.. but what did I exactly do to him? Lead him on? How could I even lead him on when I just broke up with my ex.. and then she accuses me of getting back with my ex.. which I didn't! So I just left it. From the past I've known that she has a bad judge of character about people.. she thought Chantal was good and better than me.. that Chantal girl.. didn't finish her school cert., she smells, she wears too much make-up, she has no job, I don't even know what she does on a daily basis. And she thought I was bad.. me? Yeah I rebelled and jigged school and what not.. but look where I am now? Meh whatever. She can think what she wants.. I rarely go to Samantha's house anyway.

It just pissed me off. I wanted to see my ex last night and just talk to him.. but he was saying that he can't and it would be too late by the time he gets home.. and then he calls me up and I offer to pick him up from the city and he said he'd get back to me. He never did. He hasn't even texted me since last night. I wanted to tell him that I don't know what I'm doing. That I want time alone, a lot of time alone. But he wouldn't listen. So fuck telling him I bought smokes again. Fuck telling him that I went on the net to check my phone bill to get Mathew's number to text Mathew and say that I didn't intend on whatever happened with us to happen.. I mean about never speaking to him again. I'm confused and need time. Which he replied to and said that I can take the time I need and if it's meant to be.. it's meant to be. Which I agreed with and left it at that.

Okay what happened between me and Mathew was that.. I had slept with him in the same bed.. we didn't do anything but hook up and talk a lot. Then the next day everything was fine. But my ex texted me and I was confused again.. and I texted back to my ex what Mathew was telling me to text.. and then in the end I gave in and saw my ex and fucked what I had with Mathew up and also fucked my whole getting over my ex plan. And I did that by texting to Mathew whatever my ex told me to write.. that was when I met up with him. I was stuck in the middle and confused. Aaand they were both giving me the 'it's either me or him' kind demand. eer.

So to avoid this stupid situation happening again.. I just want to be alone. Who knows I may never speak to either of them in the end.. I have no clue. Right now though, my focus is on Uni and work and that's it. I mean I haven't told my ex that I want time alone.. yet. But I did say I didn't want to talk for a while.. but when he does contact me I won't explain shit to him. I'll just say what I want.

Now about smoking.. I'm really stressed right now and I know it's not impossible to quit so everything's okay. I just need something to make me feel better for now that will be smoking. Yep.

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over him.. but during that time that I am having my time alone if he texts me I'll have no choice but to tell him to fuck off otherwise I'll ruin my game plan. lol

that's all for now.

Okay I completely lied my ass off. I am so not over him and was trying to tell everyone around me that I was to make myself believe it as well. But it was only working while I was around people anyway... big failure. Anyway I stopped seeing Mathew, I stopped meeting up with guys or bothering to talk to them. I don't know if me and my ex will ever get back together but in the mean time I just want to be on my own.. I mean I would really like it if we did for once manage to sort out all our problems and that everything would be good for once... but I don't know if I believe that it is even possible. But everything relationship has their problems.. I like our problems (in a way). I just missed him. And everyone will say I'm an idiot for going to meet up with him and whatever else but I can't help it. I'm so lost without him.. he was the person that I told absolutely everything to.. he was my friend.. he was my best friend. And I screwed it up. It is my fault as well as his.. but more mine. It will be a long while before things sort themselves out.. but I realised that I need the time. I'm still smoking my ass for.. don't ask my why.. it gives me some stupid temporary high and good feeling and makes me mad at the world all at the same time.. it makes me breathe deeper and release all this stupid stress.

I don't even know what's going on with UNI.. I'm still waiting for those damn deferred examination results.. I don't even know if I'll get in and I have been trying to stay positive but I've been thinking that if I don't get in then I'll go completely insane. I'm just so bored all the time and I really need UNI and I like it, I'm a complete fool if I don't make it in.. and if those stupid results that I'm not receiving enable me to be accepted towards the degree, I'll seriously call up the university and give them a whole heap of crap! yep. 

I've been wasting a lot of money lately on car, smokes, petrol, food, anything really. I need to save to buy my laptop and also then just save for the future. Hopefully the biggest problem about my car leaking petrol will be fixed so the minor problems won't cost me as much.. which means I can buy the laptop and worry about the future savings.

I'm going to start doing early bird studies.. as I am so bored. And my plan is.. that when UNI starts I'll fill in a weekly plan and start eating properly and exercising and not smoking. But right now I really don't give a fuck.. I'm too mad and stressed all the time to care about what I'm doing to myself. 

I am so damn lost and confused. I shouldn't have met up with him, I shouldn't have even bothered to call or text him.. I was starting to get over him until I decided to contact him. Why does it all have to be so complicated? He knows he shouldn't be talking to me but he is.. and why can't he just say bye and finish it forever? Not that I really want that, actually I don't know what I really want. But talking to him and seeing him makes me want to be with him again. He said something about it being a minimum of three months if we get back together but what the fuck is he on about? If we did get back together then everything would be fucked up again.. we'd need way more than just three months to make sure everything would be good. I don't get it really. Why did he even text that to me? His friends and family hate me.. it's like impossible to even be talking to him.. and that's because his friends don't know.. YET. err. WHATEVER.

About Mathew.. I don't know what's going on LOL.. I don't know if he really likes me or what he is really like. But the things he says are so nice and understanding.. like "I'll wait". Is he JUST saying that? He was meant to stay at my work with me.. but my ex found out and he was like saying that Mathew would want to sleep with me.. so I asked Mathew and he said he won't come if I don't trust him. See! This guy actually makes sense. My ex = no sense. But I was pretty naive to think he'd come stay with me and do nothing.. I kind of knew he would try to kiss me at least. I might see Mathew on sunday.

When I talk to my ex I want to be alone or I want to be with him. But when I talk to others I don't think about my ex and then I want to go and see Mathew.. but as friends. Okay I lied. I do still think about my ex but it's different because I'm not actually talking to him.. and I feel bad that I've caused him so much pain.. I have okay. I cheated on him. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he treated me like crap but I still cheated on him first. I just don't know what the fuck to do about anything.

I'm still smoking. And I honestly don't give a damn if I am and if it smells or if it's bad or whatever else there is to say about it. FUCK IT.

I want to go out tonight and drink a lot of alcohol. hm. don't know where though. hm. Maybe if sam replied on msn or texts me back. Or I'll go with su to karoake. However you spell it.. =] I'll see.

My eye hurts.. it hurts around my eye. I swear my ex must've punched me the other night. It's like a bit swollen and I don't know why.

Yep I'll just go out tonight and not think about him.. or any other guy. just be with my girl friends ! =]

He has become my ex. indisputably.

I'm awaiting acceptance from university.. still. And also for my deferred exam result which I still have not received. This might sound nerd-like but I can't wait to start University PROPERLY. And not for the damn bit of socialising, because I know I won't have much time for that and don't want distractions but for the study of it. I must be weird but whatever.

I'm seeing Mathew again on Friday. We have been talking quite a bit... but damn I forgot my mobile at home this morning. Which is so ironic that I forgot it when I had that stupid incident with my ex over it. Meh whatever. I don't know where we are going though.. I really can't be fucked to go around driving in his car again .. it was such a headache, maybe my car would be better?.. hm

I've been smoking since a few days ago.. I'm not addicted and I don't think I'd ever be but I just do it because sometimes it appeals to me. Not that I've never smoked before because I have.. but once again, it wasn't an addiction.. I stopped easily.

I went to the pools every day for the last 4-5 days. It was lovely. lol Except now the weather is so crap =[. It's about to rain. Not very nice.

<< That post was written yesterday but it didn't work. =/

So TODAY,
                       Is crap weather again. AAND I'm going out with Mathew tonight and we are going to go watch Twilight at the movies hahaa. I read the book and I want to see if the movie is any good.. I'm not taking anyone's advice if it will kill the book or not.. whatever. And no I'm not making Mathew watch it he actually said he didn't mind which is good. Because in the past yes the PAST. some idiot always minded.

My car is so damn dirty and has grass inside it from going to the pools .. and it's going to rain so there's no point in cleaning it.. and I have to wait until no one is at home to clean it because then I can park my car in the driveway and do it.. and also don't have to listen to my sister telling me I'm wasting water.. I'd rather use a bit of water than see my car turn into rust.. hm well the paint peeling off anyway and then feeling that I should buy a new car... her car looks so bad. I hate it she doesn't look after it. So I got to work and decided to clean it with water a bit.. and clean the windows.. hahaa. There is nothing to do at work at the moment. As you can see I'm typing on here and playing games and doing nothing interesting..

I was thinking of buying turtle wax to polish my car with... but there are so many brands and I have no idea what I'm really doing so I'll screw it up.. I've already scratched my car a bit because the first time.. I used the wrong sponge.. wow I'm talking about cleaning my car how damn boring!

I want to go out to RNB SUPERCLUB..  but it's on Fridays and can't go tonight.. or next week.. hm maybe on Saturday somewhere else..hm..

I had a stupid damn dream about the idiot. he can be called the idiot now. Just one of those dreams that reminded me of the times we got back together many times.. even though I know it's completely over.. I still had that dream and no that doesn't mean that somewhere in my subconscious that I want to get back with him because I don't. MEH.

I like Mathew.. but I don't want a boyfriend and I don't want to play around either. I just want to work and go to university (*fingers crossed that I make it). Although I liked having a boyfriend.. it's weird without one. I hope he doesnt' think that it's okay to do stuff together now because we have kissed before but it's not okay. I'm scared that if he does try something that my reflexes will punch him in the head.. =O or maybe they won't.

At least now I have time for my friends =]